


A Life Well Worth It

by InsomniacPiggy



Series: The Aftermath [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Kind of a character study, Multi, Post Movie, all relationships are hinted at
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 02:41:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7341364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsomniacPiggy/pseuds/InsomniacPiggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn reflects on the events of the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Life Well Worth It

He treasures his friends, even if he doesn’t always understand them. Their actions are sometimes beyond him. Rey’s trust, Poe’s- kindness? Generosity?

( _“Keep it. You look good in it.”_ )

FN-2187 doesn’t know how to describe it. Finn wishes he could.

He understands trust, the trust that a soldier has in their blaster, the trust that a soldier is required to have in their cause, the trust that an officer must have in their subordinates.

He doesn’t understand the trust Rey shows him, how easy it is, how the only thing she expects for him to be is himself- and how she trusts him to be alright on his own like she can. Because that’s what it is- trust. She trusts that he will be alright while she’s gone training to be a warrior. Rey would never abandon him. He knows that she would never hurt him like she’s been hurt.

(A part of him wonders if the lack of that trust is what led to a crying girl to be left on a harsh desert planet to fend for herself, and what could have led to a girl made of stone flying away from Jakku fearlessly, full of chips and cracks but still strong.)

And because of that trust in him- the trust that he would pull through, out of his coma- is why he trusts her to come home safe. It’s enough that he can push his worry to side, but-

It doesn’t mean he isn’t lonely.

The General sits with him sometimes, when her work allows it, while he’s still in the medical bay. The doctor’s say it’s too early for him to move, and the wound across his chest aches every time he breathes, but the endless itch underneath his skin wants him to move, especially while knowing that Rey is somewhere out there, risking her life for a war she had no part in until he selfishly dragged her into it. However indirectly, Rey is in danger because of him, and he can’t just sit still while that happens.

He can’t. But he has to.

The General understands that. She tells him so by the softness in her eyes when she looks at his clenched fists, the wryness of her smile whenever someone slips up and mentions Han or Luke. She is used to things slipping from her fingers, and she is stronger for it.

But she is still waiting for her little boy to come home. If Finn were a stronger person, he would tell her that it is far too late for that, that her little boy has turned into a monster who gladly slaughtered millions with glee in his eyes. But he doesn’t.

He’s lonely. Not many people are willing to talk to a former stormtrooper, even one who helped stop the First Order’s plan. He doesn’t blame them. An enemy soldier in their homes is alarming, regardless of any help he’s given them. He gets it. Had he been in their position, he might do the same. It’s not as if he’s being mistreated- the General would never let that happen.

The General’s not the only one who comes by the see him, of course. Poe stops by to visit...occasionally. Finn knows something isn’t quite right with Poe, but Poe clearly doesn’t want to speak about, so he won’t push. Poe is important to him, and Finn doesn’t want to risk angering him off and ruining that. Finn trusts Poe, has already trusted him with his life, and he values him much like he does Rey. He gets an odd fluttery feeling in his stomach whenever he thinks of either (but thinking of Rey is always followed by a little bit of longing and guilt. It’s selfish, but he wishes that she was here with him so he could make sure that she’s safe).

He mentions this to the General, hoping for an explanation, but all she does is laugh and pat his hand. He’s still confused, but he lets it slide since she rarely smiles these days. It’s odd, he muses, that this aging woman scares the First Order so much.

It would been logical to fear Poe, and the eagerness of his actions, the zealousness of his steps. People who believe wholeheartedly in their cause are the most dangerous, and he knows that Poe would be angry with him for comparing the two, but Poe belongs to the Rebellion like Finn was supposed to belong to the First Order.

But fear isn’t logical, and as the lines on the General’s face crease with laughter, Finn realizes what the First Order feared so much about a Rebellion decades old, with defeats and regrets even older.

They are wild, untamed belief. Even the General, whose years have tempered the wildfire in her chest, has the potential to burn entire galaxies, ignite a revolution in the souls of the beaten, nevermind defeat a pretend-Empire with pretend-control, ruled by a pretend-Sith.

The General is especially dangerous. For all of Poe’s fame, glory, or zeal, he has not outlasted regimes and empires. He has not burned in the guilt of failure, and painstakingly built himself back up again. Not yet.

(He wonders if Skywalker has the same glint in his eyes as the General does, and Solo did. He hopes, for Rey’s sake, that he does. She needs someone strong to focus on.)

And for all that he, Poe, and Rey don’t measure up to the giants that came before them, for all that they don’t have the steel in their eyes, blood in their mouth, scars on their hearts, Finn is glad. He is grateful they are not yet warriors, still in their youth. For all that he respects the General (and still respects Solo), he does not want to end up like them, with the painful silences that widen into years of no contact and unspoken regrets.

Because now Finn sees where the Rebellion went wrong with their heroes, where the Old Republic went wrong with their Jedi, where everyone goes wrong with themselves.

They forget they are people.

No, Finn decides as the General’s smile fades from her face as she looks out the window. He won’t let that happen this time. Not Poe, Rey, or himself. They won’t repeat the mistakes of the past.

This is the best thing that has ever happened to Finn. This freedom to choose, feel, understand. He doesn’t want to give that up, not ever. He doesn’t understand that feeling that Poe and Rey give him, but he knows he doesn’t want to forget it.

The General has left him by now, gone to deal with next set of news, to fight old and new battles in strategy rooms and diplomatic missions. He wishes her the best, but will not go down the same path.

With that choice, Finn shakes off the last of FN-2187.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've posted in over a year, and there might be more depending on how this goes.  
> Please review! I can always use feedback.


End file.
